I may have only spent a little over a year and a half at colleges, but man, there is absolutely no denying that 99.9% of college students are total retards. It used to be that college was a place of higher learning that only the elite could hope to attend. Getting accepted into college meant something, and if you were in college, you were definitely there to study your ass off until you could claim a degree, a magical piece of paper able to transport you to an equally menial but much higher paying job. Everything sucked, and everyone was bitchy and surly to each other. Truly a paradise on earth.

However, with increased standards of living and levels of skill required in well-paying labor, the proletariat dogs have begun their slow and steady infestation of the college system, much like rats infesting a rotting carcass. College is no longer something unique; it is something expected. Unless you grew up in a ghetto, you are pretty much considered a total and abject failure by the bulk of society if you do not attend college, and are doomed to a life of clerking or manual labor without that Bachelor’s in Bullfuckery. However, that is straying from my intended topic, which is to categorize the various types of college lame-asses who are actively lowering the collective intelligence of the North American continent. I was tempted to incorporate pictures, but christ, that’s a lot of work. So, without further ado:

* Neo-Commie Dipshit (Transcends Gender)

You definitely have seen these people around campus if you are in college. They always make it a point to remind everyone how evil capitalism is, and how communism is the way to a Utopian society. They are often from rich, upper-class backgrounds which leads them to believe they are entitled to anything and everything, which is probably why they embrace the communistic philosophy of the government providing for all one’s needs. In short, they are cowardly pussies who are afraid of standing on their own two feet, or more simply, any form of actual work. They are completely impervious to common sense, logic, or history. The millions of people killed under communism in the Soviet Union and China are dismissed with a wave of the hand and a chuckle about how they were not REAL communists. (See: No True Scotsman Fallacy) In a hilariously ironic display of intellectual depravity, they often wear CCCP t-shirts, China Commie Star messenger bags, or Che Guevara shirts. Confronting the Neo-Commie Dipshit often results in the following exchange:

Me: Nice Che shirt.
NCD: Thanks. I got it at hot topic.
Me: You know, I don’t know too much about Che, but I’m pretty sure he’s against capitalism. How much did that shirt cost again?
NCD: Uhhhhhh…you’ve been brainwashed by the capitalist media.
Me: *convulsing on ground from sudden loss of 100 IQ points*

The Neo-Commie Dipshit will lambast America, capitalism, and the entire free world at every opportunity, all while they shamelessly deplete its resources through purchasing Neo-Commie Dipshit Apparel (50% off at Urban Outfitters!), driving a huge SUV their parents gave them, and paying tens of thousands of dollars to attend a high-class university. Telling the Neo-Commie Dipshit to just shut the fuck up and leave if he hates America so much is met with a whine about waiting to complete their degree, usually in a hilariously capitalistic subject area such as business or economics.

Solution: All Neo-Commie Dipshits should be deported to their communist country of choice. Assuming they are not immediately imprisoned or shot for being such self-entitled, obnoxious pricks, they will likely die from starvation due to their refusal to work.

Likely Future: Neo-Commie Dipshits inevitably sell out and become self-hating lawyers, accountants, or failed artists.

* Emo Pussy (Transcends Gender)

Anyone under the age of 25 and above the age of 12 is definitely familiar with the newest trend for whiny, self-loathing pussies. That trend is emo. For those of you not as in the know as I am, “emo” is essentially the new Goth. They wear black clothes, dye their hair black, and listen to shitty music and cry about how hard life is for an upper class suburban teenager. I am told that “Emo” is actually short for “emotional,” and encompassed a genre of music. I have a friend who likes emo music, but is himself not an emo douchebag, but whenever I challenge him to give me a concrete definition of emo music he degenerates into a sputtering run-on sentence of words ending in “ism.” This leads me to conclude that emo music is synonymous with Emo Pussies, so therefore I will not be making any such distinction in my description. If you are an emo pussy who is offended by this email, please go write an angry Live Journal entry about it, because we all know that is all you are going to do.

Emo Pussies are perhaps the most predominant clique group in colleges outside of the frats. They might as well start a fraternity for emo pussies, because pretty much everyone not in a fraternity is one of these people. Emo Pussies are just like frat guys anyway; both groups have a dress code, they both listen to shitty music, and they both drink heavily to numb the realization that they are total failures who will never accomplish anything above mediocre in their entire lives. Anyway, the emo pussy is immediately identifiable by his jet-black clothing, and one-size-too-small-fake-vintage t-shirt. Wearing a shirt so small that your pencil-thin arms barely fit through the sleeves and the hem rises halfway up your stomach every time you lift your arms doesn’t make you look like you are in shape or big, it makes you look like you are a retard who can’t buy clothes for himself and so must wear your little brother’s shirt.

Speaking of fake vintage clothes, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? I mean, I understand that it is cool to wear clothes that are soft and fit comfortably. I hate the stiffness of new clothes, and think that Heavy Wash jeans and shirts are one of the greatest inventions of the 2000′s. That’s why I go buy them from Target or American Eagle for 20 bucks a pop. They have this store called “Urban Outfitters” in the mall, and they have this “Vintage” table. It is shirts that are from thrift shops that the store bought for like 2 bucks, and then they sell them for like $50, and these dipshits ACTUALLY BUY THEM. What the hell is wrong with them? Why would they do this? Are they too lazy to drive to an actual thrift store themselves? It is the most gratuitous display of stupidity and waste in clothing I have ever seen. If my child ever spent $50 of my money on a USED T-SHIRT, they would come home from school the next day to find me donating all of their clothes to the Salvation Army, just to teach them a lesson about being stupid pricks.

Emo pussies can be guys and girls, but it doesn’t really matter what gender they are. They both cry and piss and moan about how hard their lives are, and will never accomplish anything worthwhile because they are too busy crying about how hard their cushy lives are. Nevermind the fact that there are millions of starving children in Africa and the Middle East; your parents do not understand you and that gives you the right to waste all the money, opportunities, and benefits you achieved simply for BEING BORN. I understand as well as anyone that sometimes parents and children will disagree, but for fuck’s sake, don’t just sit there bitching about it. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY, THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE STEPS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE TO WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE. If you just sit in your room, crying while listening to your shitty Emo music, then of course nothing is going to change.

My final grievance with the Emos is their absolutely horrendous taste in music. I listen to a wide variety of music including classical, rock, heavy/death metal, blues, jazz, and even some country. Even if I don’t like the particular sound of something, I can usually at least appreciate what the musician is attempting to do through his music, and appreciate the technical mastery of the instrument the musician displays. In short, it takes a lot for me to just unrepentantly declare a piece of music as total shit. Of course, that’s precisely what I’m doing to the entire “emo” movement, because that’s what it is: a complete pile of self-pitying, mopey, wrist-slitting shit. You will never hear more uninspired, whiny music than emo music. For a textbook example of emo music, check out Hawthorne Heights, and the song “Ohio is for Lovers.” I challenge ANYONE reading this to make it through the chorus, where someone suddenly belts out a hysterical death-metal style shriek for no apparent reason, without bursting into a fit of organ-rupturing laughter (if you weren’t laughing already from the morose, squealing nature of the entire song).

Solution: Emo pussies are just normal people who are lacking direction in life, self-confidence, and inner strength. In short, they just need to get laid.

Likely Future: Emo pussies will usually snap out of their self-induced psychosis around their early to mid-20′s, and go on to become either lounge singers or leeches on their parents or spouses.

* Frat (Male)

The bane of all college students (aside from perhaps the sorostitute), the frat is usually a gigantic douchebag who believes he is the King Shit of the entire college and can act with impunity. He has likely fucked your girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend, and your female professors, because women are all weak-minded fools who are irresistibly drawn to Bud Lite Breath, popped pink polo collars, and tendencies to shout, “WOOOOOOOO. PARTY! YEAH! FUCK YEAH!” at inappropriate (read: every time there is a pause in the conversation) times. Yeah, yeah, I can hear the girls bitching me out right now, but you can’t deny these dudes get laid more than I would at an All-Asian-Schoolgirl Convention. I used to be bitter, but then I discovered the joys of girls who are, amazingly, both hot and not total retards.

Throughout their college careers, the frats will pass every class with a C because their father donates thousands of dollars to the university, and the administrators fear losing their precious, precious meth money. The frats lack the physical ability to play college athletics, and are substandard students, so they turn to the only things left to them: the false social status conferred by wealth and being really good at beer pong. Hilariously, many fraternities “unofficially” actually require you to submit financial information from your parents’ bank account in order to join, and yet the cliched accusation of “buying your friends” by joining a frat are still vehemently denied.

The Frat will spend the entirety of his college career drinking shitty beer, doing keg-stands, and leaping off the frat house roof. Despite his colossal stupidity, he will still pull lots of ass, because as mentioned previously, college girls are even dumber than high school ones.

Solution: None. The Frats must be endured as long as one remains at a university. Eventually you will grow numb to injustices such as frats holding massive, all-night drinking orgies being left untouched, while you are fined $100 for having a six pack of Guinness in your mini-fridge. The Frats sole function will be to inspire you to be as bitter and spiteful as humanly possible, thus spurring you to outperform them academically, and inevitably making their life hell once they work for you within the decade.

Likely Future: The Frats are the most socially worthless products of the college. Lacking both intelligence and ambition, the frat will likely end up working as upper management at his daddy’s stock/oil/bank/misc. Fortune 400 company. They are universally loathed by the more intelligent people working under them, and will likely be the first target if a cube-rat ever decides to snap. Failing this, they will spend their days drunkenly sobbing in their house on the outskirts of suburbia about the time they “almost went pro” in high school athletics.

* Sorostitute (See Also: All College Girls)

The female counterpart and life-blood of the Frat. These college girls can be spotted wearing their ridiculously over-priced clothing and Ugg boots. They drink colorful, 10% alcohol drinks, and smoke Parliament or Marlboro Lights in bulk. Their sole goal in college is to marry a rich guy. Unfortunately, their short-sighted concerns with popularity and social status will usually land them an under-achieving jock or frat dude, when the nerds and geeks that they shunned inevitably go on to true riches and to much hotter women. Sometimes a Sorostitute will attach herself to a nerd host, who will gush profusely about how lucky he is to have a girl that is way too hot for him. If you observe this happening, it is your duty as a fellow member of humanity to extricate the soul-sucker from your friend before he finds out she’s letting Kappa Alpha run train on her, and he then kills himself or majors in computer science. Same thing, really.

Solution: None. Fuck and chuck if you’re a male, just try not to be one if you’re female.

Likely Future: Various pornos, strip clubs, and back-alleys.

* The Pseudo-Intellectual (Usually, but not necessarily male)

Every class has a pseudo-intellectual douchebag in it. You know this guy; he is always arguing some point of irrelevant minutia with the professor in an attempt to one-up him, rolling his eyes at other students’ questions, and generally begging to have his ass beat. The pseudo-intellectual realized long ago that he lacked athletic ability and looks, but also realized that he is far too stupid to actually learn complex things or read. For this reason, he shuns math and science classes like the plague (where objective, factual answers are the bread and butter), and insteads resides in liberal arts classes where his vague, ambiguous bullshit is passed off as knowledgable discourse to the other dullards in the class. Sometimes the pseudo-intellectual can even fool professors with his poly-syllabic ramblings, and for this reason is almost more obnoxious than the frats or meathead jocks in the class. I mean, the professor will at least tell the idiots to sit down and shut the fuck up (even if they’re passing them with a C for no reason), but the pseudo-intellectual will actually be allowed to ramble on for the entire class period with his pointless, mindless blather.

The pseudo-intellectual is insanely arrogant and full of himself. Often, pseudo-intellectuals will even begin to believe their own hype, and think they are as smart as they previously deluded themselves into thinking they are. For this reason, they are some of the most enjoyable targets to mock and degrade, as their sputtering, long-winded retorts serve only to dig them deeper into the Hole of Stupid they have dug for themselves.

Solution: Many. The easiest and most direct way of identifying a pseudo-intellectual is to simply ask them to come up with an original idea regarding the subject matter at hand. Pseudo-intellectuals are incapable of original thought; they can only bullshit about words ending with “ism” and regurgitate the subject matter they have already read in their own overly verbose, flowery prose. For example, a pseudo-intellectual could tell you what Nietzsche was eating for breakfast on the day he penned line 6 of some obscure letter tha only 5 people in the world know about, but if asked how he applied the ideal of the Uber-Mensch to his own life would probably start sputtering about Existentialism. Truly smart people are genuinely smart. What I mean by that is that the people who I respect as being as intelligent as myself (or more) can communicate complex ideas to me using very simple, every-day language. If you have to talk like a Shakespearean Englishman with autism to get your point across, you are probably a dipshit pseudo-intellectual, and should kindly shut up for the next 5000 years.

Another extremely fun way of dealing with pseudo-intellectuals is to call them out in the most juvenile, vulgar way possible. Call them nancy-boys and pussy-willows. Say they have a small penis. Say their mommy didn’t hug them enough (or too much) as a child. Give them an insulting, vulgar nickname like “Palm Fucker” and refuse to refer to them by their real name. Sure, you didn’t win the intellectual or moral victory, but everyone else in the class will be laughing their ass off at the pseudo-intellectual’s long-winded replies to your simple, childish taunts, and isn’t that what really counts?

Likely Future: High School English teacher. (Sorry Ms. B and Mrs. F)

* The Gangstah (Male)

Thankfully, the “suburban thug” seems to die out after high school.

* The Talentless Rock Star (Usually, but not necessarily male)

Everyone knows a guy like this. He sits in his dorm room all day long smoking pot, playing guitar, and listening to Jimi Hendrix. He never seems to eat, shower, or go to class. You can’t understand why the college hasn’t kicked him out yet. Despite his constant strumming of E-minor and A chords, he never seems to get any better, and has been practicing the opening riff to “Smoke on the Water” for the past 6 months. He nevertheless insists he’s going to make it big, and majors in something like music theory.

Solution: Since this guy is usually pretty cool and laid back, I don’t think anyone minds him being around.

Likely Future: One of those dudes in the park strumming out “Purple Haze” on a beat-up acoustic, with a little tip jar in front of him.

* Feminazi Bitch (Female)

This girl is usually fat and unattractive. Rather than making any effort to better her personality, intelligence, or physical appearance, she simply subscribes to the idea that all men are sexist pigs who only care about tits and ass. Sadly, I am forced to admit that this is pretty much correct. However, this does not excuse the Feminazi Bitch’s constant whining about male oppression. She will scream at you if you offer to carry her books for her, or hold open the door. She will frequently complain at great length about how men dominate every aspect of the academic and professional world. When you cite U.S. Census statistics that state that females actually make up over 55% of the majority of the country’s universities student body, she will stare at you blankly, like a cow in a field chewing its cud.

Solution: THERE ARE MORE OF YOU IN COLLEGE THAN THERE ARE OF US. WHOSE FAULT IS IT IF YOU FUCK UP, BITCH? NOT MINE. YOU MAJORED IN ART HISTORY. NO WONDER YOU CAN’T GET A 500K A YEAR JOB. JESUS FUCK, HOW CAN YOU BE THIS DENSE?

Likely Future: Dismembered in my freezer.

* The Eternal Highschooler (Usually, but not necessarily male)

Everyone knows this poor soul who still wears their high school letterman jacket or school colors. It’s over, man. The dream is dead. You peaked. Now they will waste university time and resources by asking stupid questions in class and causing professors to contemplate suicide, before finally flunking out to pursue a career in lawn maintenance or living at home until they resolve their “quarter life crisis.”

Solution: Usually the Eternal Highschooler doesn’t make it past freshman year.

Likely Future: Manual laborer. Bum.

* The Loner (Fantastically Manly)

This college student hates everyone else for being an idiot. He never leaves his dorm room, and plays Crazy Train at 2 AM, partly to energize himself for working at his soul-crushing job that morning, and partly to piss off the other fuckers on the floor who just get to party all the time. Eventually transfers to a Northeastern University against his family’s wishes, friends’ location, reason, and common sense to pursue his own goals in life. Mocks other people his age for being giant wimps who still suckle from the parental teat.

Solution: The Loner will usually leave of his own accord, because he is much too awesome to stay.

Likely Future: High-priced lawyer. Slayer of Morons. Defiler of the Orient. God-Emperor.