I hate forums. God damn do I ever hate forums. There are few things in this world that I consider to be a bigger waste of time and haven of circle-jerking, false bravado, and lifeless dweebs than internet forums. Among them are Nazi rallies, student government associations, and frats and sororities. Everytime I try to join a forum or talk to people in one it results in disaster. To date, I have never been banned from a forum, so this is not bitterness speaking. It is merely the observation that every single forum, regardless of subject matter, is ultimately the exact same exercise in a virtual version of Lord of the Flies. Insane little groups form based on preconceived notions of who is King Dork, and they eventually self-destruct and kill each other in a hilarious show of Inter-Drama. Drama is pathetic enough when it’s in high school or college; when it’s just people online, it is a full order of magnitude more pathetic. It is starving-African-child-with-one-leg-hobbling-through-the-desert-on-a-wooden-crutch-for-a-moldy-breadcrust level pathetic. Forums can be a great source of revenue to webmasters. Even if you don’t update for months at a time, your forums can still continue to draw readership and make you cash from ads. I’m telling you right now…fuck no. I will eat money every month if that is what it takes to keep my site from having a forum. That’s how much I hate forums. If I was about to push a button that would destroy all forums, and someone suddenly busted into the room and offered me a billion dollars and a personal harem composed of Reon Kadena, Miri Hanai, Carmen Electra, and Park Han Byul not to push it, I would still punch that fucking button so hard and fast it would break my hand into a million tiny fragments of bone and skin.

I hate forums because they are a huge waste of time. I see people spending hours and hours of their days on forums. Just do some simple math. Say someone registers on a forum in 2004, and then in 2005 they have over 1,000 posts. That is an average of 3 posts a day, every day, for the entire year. This is a very tame example; most people will have post counts into the high four digits after a year. It’s a fucking sickness, I swear. Most of the times the posts will be mindless, retarded drivel that just wastes bandwith and makes everyone dumber for merely existing, but it’s even worse when it’s well-written. Ok, you just spent an hour writing a funny, good post…what? Why would you waste all that time and effort on someone else’s website? They are profiting off of your hard work. If you’re going to spend hours a day writing up funny shit, you might as well start your own website so you have a personal record of your own work (an unethical webmaster could just delete your post and steal your work, and you can’t do shit about it) and might even draw your own readership. Seriously, the notion of wasting all that time and effort just boggles my mind. In the time you spent making stupid posts to a forum about shit that no one cares about you could have actually learned something useful, read a book, or written an article for your own site. Let’s assume that the average post takes 20 minutes to type, edit, and post. That means that someone with 2,000 posts on a message board spent over 40,000 minutes or over 666 (heh, whoa, didn’t even plan that one) hours on writing that bullshit. Think how good you could get at something with 666 hours of practice. You could learn to play guitar like a pro in 666 hours of practice. Then you could impress some stupid bitch by strumming out the chords to some lameass Dave Matthews Band song, bang her like a screen door on a windy day, and not have to try to be e-cool on a forum to impress other nerds in the first place.

I hate forums because of the stupid little social cliques that form. People who have been there (even if they have contributed nothing other than thousands of, “lol” posts and pictures of their neck-beard and subpar ex-girlfriend…you know who you are, oh yes) for a long time are venerated as gods, and they in turn suck the cock of the forum creator/moderators. Honestly, who fucking cares? Who cares if you are the lord of your little cyber domain? In real life we all know you are still a pasty nerd who breathes really heavy when walking up stairs and masturbates to Hello Kitty hentai. It’s really funny to see a nerd go on a power trip on a forum. “You better watch out, or you’ll be boarding the train to BAN Francisco!” Yes, I have actually seen that one used without a trace of irony, I swear to fucking God. I can’t believe anyone would be so lame as to be honestly upset by being ejected from some lame little online community. Yes, you are dealing with real people, but at the end of the day they are still only text on the screen. GET REAL FRIENDS PEOPLE. Don’t even get me started on the black well of abject hopelessness and despair that is “online relationships.” The Cars would have included a verse about online relationships in, “Since You’re Gone” if the internet was prominent back then.

Even though my website doesn’t have any sort of stated goal besides “be funny,” I would like to think that maybe in some small way it will encourage people to take charge of their own lives and take the stupid things that we all worry about less seriously. Forums are the exact opposite of that. They encourage you to take irrelevant minutia as a matter of intense seriousness (much like an English or Philosophy course), and place elevated importance on their own pointless existence. It does not matter WHAT the forum is. It can be anything from a forum on scholarly philosophical debate to a forum on the KKK to raising catfish. They will all display the preceding traits of lameness. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Fuck forums.