I’m getting it out right now, I hate parties. HATE them. I would rather sit at home in my underwear jacking off to aerobics infomercials at 4 AM than go to another boring, worthless, clusterfuck of a party. There is nothing I hate more than being forced to socialize with assholes I don’t know, eat shitty food and drink shitty drinks, and generally have to battle constantly against the urge to explode and kill everyone in the room. There are many divisions of parties, and they all suck equally. The phrase, “a fun party” is an oxymoron. Parties fucking suck, and anyone who likes them is probably a communist and a pedophile.

The first type of party is the party for boring, uppity assholes. This type of party will serve wine and little crackers with cheese that taste like old shoes mixed with dog shit. This party is not so much offensive as it is incredibly boring and lame. Almost everyone there will be a pseudo-intellectual douchebag who goes on and on about something retarded like saving plastic or recycling the whales. At least that’s what it sounds like to me. This type of party sucks because you usually won’t know anyone there because your stupid friend/relative/teacher/girlfriend invited you to go just to placate their bizarre desire to show off their superb taste in friends. This usually backfires because everyone will think you’re an asshole when you just sit in the corner swearing at everyone who talks to you, drinking whiskey and throwing cheetohs at the TV, drunkenly sobbing for something other than Family Guy reruns to come on.

The second and worst type of party is the standard highschool/college party. We all know them. Some stupid asshole or worthless bitch, in a bid to become popular, volunteers their parents’ house or apartment as the site of a TOTALLY BANGIN’ and HIP PAR-TAY. Ten million assholes who don’t know the person or each other will show up and stand around in their stupid clothes trying to look cool. The little pieces of shit will display a complete lack of respect for their parents as they allow all these dumbasses they don’t know to fuck on their parents’ bed, knock out windows, and generally trash the place. Nevermind any of that though! You’ll be the coolest sophomore in Mrs. Hart’s homeroom on Monday! I don’t understand why anyone enjoys this spectacular waste of time; it’s literally the lamest, most boring thing I have ever experienced in my life. There will be some terrible music playing (either rap or an alternative rock station), and some vomit inducing drinks being served. Stupid assholes will pose with their Bud Lite bottles with huge, shit-eating grins on their faces like this makes them the coolest people alive. Wow, you can drink alcohol when you’re under 21! Fucking amazing! I had no idea you were capable of putting liquid in your mouth and swallowing; you definitely have most infants beat out in the motor control category! Then they’ll go and post it on their Myspace or Facebook profiles with captions like, “lol party on monday there wuz a keg.” I accidentally went and looked at something like that when a friend linked me to it. I calmly called him up and told him I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again. I concluded our chat by informing him he was a massive source of shame to humanity and would likely die soon from his brain tumor. I deduced he had a brain tumor, because that was the only possible explanation for being so proud of such stupidity.

Why do people equate drinking with being cool or rebellious? It’s not. It’s not any more rebellious than staying up past your bedtime when you’re 12, except it can kill you if you’re stupid enough about it. You probably had someone who was 21 go and get you your cheap beer, you did not run any gauntlet to get it, so just shut the fuck up about it. I don’t understand these people who drink during celebrations. That’s not what drinking is about. You drink to numb the realization that your life sucks, and that you are a horrible person and a complete failure. Everyone plays stupid drinking games like beer pong and circle of death. They’re all incredibly lame and shitty. Drinking games are not supposed to be fun or social activities. The only drinking game I play is, “Drink by myself until I don’t feel sad anymore.” Nobody who plays my game is a winner, and all the contestants wake up on the floor covered in their own vomit. If you are having fun while you’re drunk, you’re not doing it right.

The typical highschool/college party ends either when everyone goes home at 5 AM because they have to work at Wal-Mart that morning or when the cops show up. It’s awesome when the cops show up, because the people who were, moments before, TOTAL REBELLIOUS BADASSES will be reduced to sniveling and pleading with the cops to not tell their parents. Since they’re too stupid to either moderate their drinking to where they can appear sober or at least go into another room and just act like they’re sleeping, they will usually get a ticket. This always makes me really happy. I hope they have to spend their entire paycheck on it. Of course, they won’t, because their parents just pay for everything. Their parents will pay for 100% of their college, new clothes every week, and a new car every year, all while the rest of us slave away at our shitty jobs and wish we could just escape for a few precious days of fun. At work one night this stupid bitch drunk-dialed her father, and her dad just told her to go lie down and he’d deposit more money into her account tomorrow. It pissed me off so much that I bit her in the neck and ripped out her windpipe with my teeth. Her bitch friends and this metrosexual douche with her started screaming for help (and Marlboro Lights), so I picked up the entire cigarette rack and threw it on top of them all. They died doing what they loved: Killing themselves by doing something stupid and/or life-threatening for the approval of other pathetic losers.

I hate college.