Yes, you read that correctly, punks suck horribly. They smell bad, their music is terrible, and most are borderline retarded. You could count the number of good punk albums on one hand, assuming of course that hand had been blown off and only a stump remained. Fortunately, no true punk would give a shit what some idiot on the internet wrote about him, which brings me to the meat of my article.

Punk was a movement in the 70′s and 80′s that, much like most other styles of music, eventually turned into a hilariously bad parody of itself. There are two distinctive types of “punk” when using the word in this context, that of punk music and that of punk ethos. Punk music is the simplest to explain. Punk songs tended to be very short, barely over a minute, and consisted mainly of power chords, incoherent screaming, and sloppy drumming. That said, the works of early punk bands like The Clash and the Sex Pistols had an undeniably infectious energy, and typically very poignant, political, and thoughtful lyrics. This was fine, because the mission of punk music was never to be a bastion of technical music skill. It was envisioned as a vehicle for change, with the idea that the songs were simple enough for anyone to learn and perform, and therefore easy to spread.

The punk ethos is a more difficult beast to describe due to the wide variety of political affiliations and schools of thought associated with the movement. Probably the best “punk message” that can be applied equally is that lots of shit in society sucks and needs to be changed. This “shit that sucks” could range from the government to race relations to nuclear weapons. The disillusioned and cynical found an outlet for their rage and desire for change in punk music, and in that respect it succeeded admirably. However, much like metal and rap, the mighty ship of punk would soon collapse under its own weight of drooling, howling morons.

I am a huge fan of 80′s punk groups like Black Flag (Henry Rollins in particular), Minor Threat, Fugazi, and Bad Religion. These were guys who just did not give a shit what anyone else thought about them and their music. They took to the stage, raged against the machine for awhile, and then it was onto the next town. Sure, most of them couldn’t sing for shit, and their instrumental work can be described as adequate at best, but their music still kicked more ass than previously thought possible. They drew attention to the problems inherent in our society that most were content to merely gloss over, and gave a voice to the powerless. So given all this praise of punk ideas and music, why do I think that punks suck? Easy. The movement has more posers and douchebags than in any other musical scene in history.

So many people today describe themselves as “punk” that the word has almost become a term of derision, and it’s utterly hilarious. I will just get it out of the way right now and say I am probably the most un-punk person alive. The only concerts I have been to rank from “laughably bad” to “painfully retarded.” I am the most white-bread, low key person imaginable. I am studying to go to law school for the love of fuck. I have no problem with this; it’s how I think I can most effectively make an impact on the world and lead the life I want to, so I am hardly crying into my coffee about my lack of punk credentials. That said, I can still listen to and appreciate the punk albums and their message (in much the same way you can appreciate Public Enemy without being a radical black power nationalist), as giving the finger to the man, even vicariously, is perhaps the only thing that keeps me from flipping out and killing you. For this reason, I find it very baffling and amusing when legions of suburbanites take to calling themselves “punk” in an effort to lend some sort of false legitimacy to their claims of being badasses. We have all seem them. They shop at Hot Topic and cover themselves in metal studded bracelets and belts, and fuck up their hair. Much like the idiot metalheads, they have taken the trappings of the movement and adopted none of its principles.

For example, and I’ll check on this, but I don’t think most punks lived with their parents in their two story suburban homes into their 20′s. I also don’t think that someone truly punk would do nothing to affect change other than listening to old Black Flag albums and sagely nodding along. And call me crazy, but I also highly doubt someone truly punk would be going to a large university and majoring in economics with the stated goal of taking over their dad’s Fortune Whatever company. Yeah, you know who you are. These dipshits spike their hair, get a few piercings, and then bitch and howl about being persecuted by the evil corporate overlords which they give their money to every single day by spending hundreds of dollars at the mall and on mail-order Doc Marten’s. In the end, it’s just another weak ass attempt to rebel against their parents and the authority they don’t have the balls to fully oppose. Rather than define themselves outside of the context of something as pitiful as a short-lived mus-i-fucking-al movement they would rather just sit at home and bitch about how society oppresses them on Live Journal and messenger with their fellow loser friends. Get a shitty job, work your ass off for a few years, maybe leave the nest, and then get back to me about how “punk” you still are. This isn’t even delving into how mind-numbingly stupid it is to refer to yourself in terms of a clique.

Furthermore, many people confuse “being bat shit crazy” for being punk. If you’ve ever seen someone like Rollins interviewed you will see that he is very lucid, very informed, and very calm. He cuts loose and goes fucking nuts on stage, but when he’s laying out his issues and describing his viewpoints you can tell that the man knows his shit. He does not engage in ambiguous, hand-waving bullshit like most media pundits do; he states things clearly and with great authority over the facts. This is the real essence of punkness; it’s not being a mohawked screaming banshee banging out power chords in a shitty nightclub somewhere, it is communicating your beliefs and ideals in a way that is persuasive as well as reaching as many people as possible.

Another sad fact that people can’t seem to come to grips with is that music by itself will never change the world. You can’t play a guitar solo so awesome that it will eradicate world hunger, or write such an angry song that it magically banishes racism from the planet. It’d be awesome if you could, but you can’t. The most that music can do is inspire people to affect change through their own thoughts and efforts. Music might be the spark that lights the fuse, but you must be the dynamite that explodes. Note: I mean that metaphorically you asshats; do not fucking blow yourselves up and reference me in your suicide note. If music can’t change the world, then I know for a fact that wearing studded leather jackets and throwing french fries at old people in the mall won’t. If you realize certain things are fucked up and shitty, and have very clear, well-defined and supported reasons for thinking that, good. You’re halfway there. Now just find out a real way to make an impact on the world for the better, and then get back to me. Better yet, go out and do it yourself.