I wrote this for a friend awhile back, and figured this would be a decent place to post it rather than letting it languish in my email outbox. It’s just a little drinking primer that includes the stuff I wish people had told me when I first started drinking.

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The art of drinking can be a strange and confusing one…especially in America, where people needlessly look upon it as mythical and also drink terrible things. I’ll try to break it down into simple terms for you here, starting with common sizes of drinks, the different types, and end with some hangover tips:

Sizes:

There’s three main sizes of drinks you should know when you’re buying from a liquor store. I know this is very simple, but you’d be amazed how many people fuck it up…I myself confused handles and fifths for forever:

1. Pint: This is a small flask. This is the container you see alcoholic businessmen slip into their coat pockets to spike their coffee with or whatever. A fifth is usually a much better deal, and really the only reason to ever buy a pint is if you’re running low on cash and just got to have the liquor hit or if you’re trying to sneak alcohol somewhere you shouldn’t be…but we know you’d never do that, would you? If you drink this whole thing in one night you’ll be really, really drunk and quite likely vomit if you’re an amateur drinker.

2. Fifth: I think this is referring to the fact it’s “one fifth” of a gallon. This is probably the most popular size of liquor sold. It’s a good sized bottle, probably a little bigger than those bottles of coke you buy at the convenience store (not the 2 liter ones, the ones in the freezer). If you drink this whole thing at once you’ll definitely be vomiting.

3. Handle: A handle is a fucking huge amount of liquor. I can’t imagine ever needing to buy one of these for anything short of a massive party. I’m pretty sure it’s a gallon. If you drink a container of this size in one sitting you will die. No, seriously. Dead.

Types of Alcohol:

There’s probably someone out there who would argue with me (fucking assholes), but I classify alcohol into three main categories: Beer, Wine, and Liquor.

Wine: Wine needs food. Some people like to drink it without food, but I think they are retarded. Wine complements food unlike any other alcohol out there. Basically you match the colors; white wine for white food (chicken, dishes served with Alfredo, anything creamy more or less) and red for red food (steaks, red sauce Italian dishes, anything thick and hearty). I won’t go nuts about the different one billion grape types here, but I will say that Riesling is a white grape that is severely overlooked in the States, and the only wine that really goes with spicy ethnic food (think Thai or spicy Vietnamese dishes). It is also the wine that made me stop hating wine. If you are looking for a Riesling, look for a low alcohol content; anything 12% or higher will be too dry, you want some <10% alcohol content which will make it nice and sweet. I’d recommend sticking to whites for a bit until you try a red, as you won’t be able to appreciate reds right off the bat and plus whites are served cold which makes them easier to drink.

Try to avoid wine that comes in a box. Or “wine” like Mad Dog 20/20. These are ghetto-tastic bum alcohol, but they’re actually pretty awesome for the first few times drinking, and they’re cheap too, so…yeah, I just changed my mind, MD 20/20 and boxed wines kick ass. You also cannot beat Boone’s Farm, oh man, that shit is like a liquid jolly rancher. Just don’t bust it out at a dinner party unless you want to get hysterically laughed at, or said dinner consists of KFC or Burger King.

Beer: Believe it or not, in opposition to all social, genetic, and cultural norms imposed upon me, (upper middle class white European-descended male in college), I HATED beer until recently. Now I absolutely fucking love the stuff. Go figure. In the original incarnation of this thing I devoted about half a page to how much I hated beer. The secret is to drink beer that is, obviously enough, not shit.

Most people enter into the beer world drinking pale ales and lagers, and then gradually moving darker. I was the opposite. I suspect some of you will be too. If you like coffee or espresso, try a nice thick stout sometime. Guinness is the most readily available example. You have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy a stout; don’t think of it as a thirst-quenching drink like water. Think of it as more of dessert, like a milk shake or a coffee. A stout will be really thick and creamy, and will hit you with some bitterness.

If the stout is too intense, go for some commonly available lagers. These are thirst-quenchers. Probably the best two that are cheap and easily available are Miller High Life (I swear to God) and Red Stripe. Yuengling is even better…oh god does Yuengling kick ass…but that one might be too much at first. Oh, and Budweiser sucks dick, I hate it. Busch sucks dick. Coors sucks dick. Pretty much all American macro-brew beers suck dick. If it comes in a can it’s almost definitely going to suck dick (except if it’s something like Guinness that comes in a special nitro-can that is designed to simulate the effect of a bar tap…it will say so on the box, and these cans are much bigger than the typical soda/shitty beer size can). When I say “sucks dick” I am not being trite; these beers literally taste like how I imagine sucking a dick would. Corona would be a good beer if it was half the price it is. I like Corona with lime jammed into the bottle neck to filter the mediocre beer, so that might be a nice little beer cocktail for you to get past the initially disgusting beer taste. Oh, and remember as well, the beer hierarchy of taste-goodness goes Tap > Dark Bottles & Nitrocans > Clear Bottles > Cans. Also be sure to take a big, manly gulp of your beer…do not sip it.

Liquor: Ahh yes, liquor. Liquor is the good shit. I love liquor. You can drink liquor straight, you can drink it in mixed drinks, you can drink it on ice or right out of the bottle. It will get you really drunk far faster and far tastier than anything else out there. God, I love you liquor. I’m going to have to break down the differing categories of liquor because there are so many:

- “Malt Beverages”: I really didn’t know where to put these except for here. These are very low alcoholic drinks like Smirnoff Ice and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. They’re about as alcoholic as beer, but they taste really really good. Girls absolutely love these drinks, but if you’re a guy drinking one expect to be given shit for being a pussy by people who are insecure about their penis size. Wine coolers fall into this category as well, and if you’re new to drinking, you might want to check these out. I’ve gotten buzzed off of Seagram’s “Fuzzy Navel” wine coolers with many a girl in her room, and let’s just say it was not a bad investment. Mike’s Hard Lime is super fucking good, but kind of hard to find. Smirnoff Triple Black is a good substitute.

- Whiskey: Whiskey is hard liquor, usually 80 proof or above. There are a billion little subdivisions between whiskey and whisky (note the missing “e”) and scotch and bourbon and blah blah blah, Christ. I wouldn’t recommend this to a novice drinker. I’m not much of a whiskey drinker myself, because to me it kind of tastes like fucking tree bark. That said, I like Irish whiskey much better than Scotch or American bourbons. Irish whiskey is triple distilled, usually without peat, and in copper stills. This makes it a lot smoother and sweeter than Jack Daniels or most Scotch. Jameson in particular has an almost honey note to it. Maker’s Mark is a great bourbon whiskey from Kentucky, and has a vanilla character to it. I recently picked up a bottle of J&B which is blended scotch whisky, and I’m quite fond of it. Whiskey is a little rough on me straight, but throw in some coke and it becomes good fast.

- Cream Liquors: The quintessential “girl drink,” Bailey’s Irish Creme falls into this category. These are liquors that are mixed with cream, and the end result is a very delicious, almost milk-shake tasting beverage. My personal favorite is a South African brew called “Amarula” that you can probably pick up at your local liquor store. You can make some really tasty cocktails with this drink, but it goes down great all by itself. Goes really good with coffee and ice cream, and as you can use it in almost anything you put milk or cream into, I bet it has some great mixing possibilities.

- Vodka: I’m not a huge vodka fan, probably because my first exposure to the drink was terrible bullshit brands bought for 6 dollars a handle. Grey Goose is an excellent brand of vodka, albeit slightly expensive (last time I checked it was about 30 bucks for a fifth). If you’re paying less than 20 bucks a fifth for your vodka it’s probably grown from the hearts of Russian orphans and will taste accordingly. Some of the flavor infused vodkas are excellent, particularly from Stoli. The vanilla Stoli and the raspberry Stoli KICK ASS, you can make some great drinks with those or even drink them straight. Vanilla Stoli makes an amazing vodka martini.

- Tequila: Oh man, the devil drink. Tequila is nuts. It’s pretty rough straight, but since shots of Tequila are traditionally served with salt and lime, it’s not too bad. Tequila tends to taste peppery and, to me, I swear to god, buttery. Mmm, appetizing. I will never do straight tequila unless it’s something godly like Patron (Over $50 a bottle). My preferred method of tequila consumption is a margarita, which, at its most basic is tequila, lime juice, and triple sec (a type of orange liqueur). For us poor college students, the best thing to do is just buy one of those pre-made Tequila mix things from a grocery store, then throw that and some tequila and ice cubs into a blender. The best part of this recipe is that you can do it with the cheapest, most shitty tequila you can find and it will still taste awesome! Hooray $6 brand of Albertson’s tequila, I have finally found a use for your pungent existence!

- Gin: Gin is, sadly, the one liquor I have never been able to cultivate a taste for. Oh, I’ve TRIED gin, believe me I have. I still hate you. Fuck you, gin. You taste like a goddamn liquid pine tree. I am going to pick up a bottle of that Rangpur Lime or whatever the fuck gin that was I saw the other day and give you one more chance, but if you spite me again then never shall our paths be twined.

- Rum: Rum is my favorite liquor. It’s distilled from sugar cane, which tends to lend it a much sweeter and smoother taste (at least to my palette; some people report that it “bites” more) than the other liquors. Admiral Nelson’s and Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum are fucking delicious, and have gotten me drunk more than any other. They’re also relatively inexpensive. A good premium rum is Captain Morgan’s Private Stock, which will probably go for about the same as a bottle of Grey Goose. There are also a lot of flavor infused rums out there, but come on, are you kidding me? Parrot Bay Mango-Coco-Fun-Rum can go fuck itself; it is a lower alcohol content than the normal stuff, and is so sweet than I almost cringe when it hits my tongue. Might be good as a mixer, tastes like vomit when consumed straight…note that my hatred here may be due to the fact that the first time I ever puked off of drinking was by downing a liter of Cruzan pineapple infused rum over the course of 4 or 5 hours.

Oh, and just because I never really knew this because no one ever told me:

- White wines should be stored in the fridge.
- Red wines should be stored at room temperature.
- Whiskeys should be stored at room temperature, but can be served chilled if desired.
- Rums and Tequilas are the same as above.
- Vodka is the only liquor which should be placed in the freezer…get it as cold as fucking possible. The alcohol will prevent it from freezing.
- Cream liquors should always be stored in the fridge, as they contain cream/milk.
- Beer should always be really cold, but not placed in the freezer (it will freeze, too much water). The only exception is some porters and stouts that should be served at room temperature, but I doubt you will run into any of those for awhile.

Beginner Drink Mixing:

Mixing drinks is a huge topic, but I’ll just lay down some of the common bar terminology, ground rules, and classic combinations.

- If you ask for a drink “neat” that means you just want the liquor straight, in a glass. “On the rocks” is the same thing, but with ice. Most people in America just say “straight,” but sometimes those asshole bartenders still put ice in mine. For example, you would say, “Jameson straight” for just plain old Jameson poured into a glass, but don’t ever say something like, “a rum and coke straight” unless you want to look like an idiot. You’d just say “no ice” in the event of a mixed drink if you didn’t want ice. Again, something retarded and simple, but something no one ever told me.
- If you’re making it yourself, typically you are going to want your drink to be 1 part alcohol and 3 parts mixer. As you grow more alcoholic you will soon find those ratios reversed.
- The most widely consumed mixed drink in the world, and my personal favorite, is the rum and coke. This is an excellent mixed drink to have if you’re not used to the taste of alcohol; it’s like drinking a vanilla coke. Get a lime to rub the lip of the glass with then toss it in and…heaven. I don’t think there is a more perfect drink than a simple rum and coke, aka the Cuba Libre.
- Rum and whiskeys mix well with cola; vodka mixes well with citrus drinks (think Sprite or orange juice). Some people like rum with sweet, tropical fruit drinks, but the double combo overload sweetness of the rum and the fruit usually makes me gag. Something to try though.

Damage Control:

Drinking rules. Except for the part where you’re hunched over the toilet puking your guts out or when you wake up the next morning rolling around begging the powers that be to end your wretched life. We’re going to try to avoid this. Keep these things in mind:

- Your body absorbs alcohol at a constant rate. That means you’re not going to get drunk any faster if you pound 20 shots of straight whiskey all at once or drink the same amount in mixed drinks over the course of the whole night. In the former scenario, you’ll probably just puke it all back up. Pace yourself, listen to your body, and give the alcohol you’ve already consumed a while to hit you. You can chug half a pint of rum in 5 seconds, but within a few minutes you’ll wish you hadn’t and not be all that happy. You cannot force the perfect buzz.

- It varies among people, but for me I know that I need to stop when everything I drink (even straight alcohol) tastes like water. If you keep drinking after this point, you’re more than likely going to vomit.

- Don’t take Advil or Tylenol when you’re drinking. Anyone telling you to do this is retarded. These medicines contain toxins that the alcohol will potentially interact with to wreak havoc on your liver. It’s one or the other, but I can’t remember which. I know of at least one person who can no longer drink as his liver was permanently damaged due to this.

- The best way to prevent a hangover is to drink a ton of water just before you go to sleep. The “hangover” is mainly due to your body being dehydrated, and your brain will literally shrink back from your skull causing that fucking terrible headache in the morning. If you can chug down a good amount of water (20 ounces or so should be sufficient) right before bed, you’ll find it makes a HUGE difference in the morning. Along those same lines, a bottle of Gatorade will make you feel like a million bucks when you wake up, because it will restore some of the things that filtering the alcohol from your body has depleted.

Whew.

Man, that was a lot.