Counterculture is almost entirely counterproductive. There are few things more aggravating to the average college student than seeing some dreadlock-clad white guy, reeking of pot and wearing a CBGB shirt, approaching you. Brace yourself, you’re about to embark on a fantastic voyage to a magical world in the Fagatron solar system where all of society ills are caused by corporations, free weed will revitalize Africa’s economy, and you’re part of the machine maaaan! To say that “counterculture” consists merely of confused stoners would be a gross simplification; there is every stripe of scene dork, fetishist freak, and angry internet blogger included in their aimlessly flailing ranks. What they all share is a common belief they are oppressed by some vaguely defined and patriarchal form of “The Man,” and that this  nebulous figure is actively engaged in raping the planet of its resources and perpetuating an endless nepotistic dynasty of corruption. These complaints are not entirely without merit (albeit the truth of them is far more complex and nuanced), but fortunately I am not addressing the validity of the bitching; I am discussing the manner in which most attempt to address it.

The typical young person’s grand vehicle for social and political change most often consists of ineffectual rallies or attempting to get signatures for petitions that Senator’s interns will hastily file away into a wastebasket. Attention to the cause is most often drawn by outlandish morons looking like…well, outlandish morons. Check out the most ardent crusaders for atheism, gay marriage, and marijuana legalization, three things I am mostly ambivalent towards. These people are their own worst enemies in a way that is rarely seen outside of that guy who shows up at the bar with jean shorts and  a wolf shirt (though that outfit may very well be becoming fashionable, who knows!). Nothing induces complete repugnance towards a cause quite like someone shrieking things deliberately engineered to be as offensive to 80% of the population as possible. Just to name a few examples from my own life, atheist crusaders will be as shrill and pompous as possible regarding the foolish “backwards mysticism” of the religious, flaming homosexuals will don leather bondage gear and gyrate on giant cock-shaped parade floats, and potheads will almost always appear as lazy, slovenly, and clueless as possible. This is advancing their agenda mind you. It is as if they are deliberately attempting to provoke a spiteful reaction in the very people they require a sympathetic outlook from.

One could surmise that a more respectful tone and perhaps a suit would go a long ways. But oh no, this would somehow compromise the purity or legitimacy of the movement! This is the face of the American political and conflict resolution system; there is no middle ground, one side is irredeemably wrong (and therefore also stupid, evil, ignorant, not worth talking to, etc.). Compromise and middle ground are vague novelties from a bygone era. People no longer engage in a reasonable or good faith debate, their existing frames of reference are sacred, and as such are inviolable. They are used to responding only to talking points with “witty” prepared responses, and so put any opposing viewpoints through a sort of internal blender until they ooze out in the misshapen and bizarre form that is the only thing they are used to (indeed, are even capable of) arguing with. It is from this strange neurosis that the hysterical theatrics and shock tactics arise.

What the counterculture fails to realize is that assimilation into the prevailing culture is actually by far the most effective way to promote the change they crave. The public at large (you know, all those hicks, uncultured rubes, morons, elitists, and businessmen you are so fond of maligning) is the force that makes the laws. Getting a tattoo of Henry Rollins biting George Bush’s head off on your chest and jamming some pieces of plastic into your earlobes are not endearing you to anyone except your small little clique. In fact, it’s actively killing your credibility and making you a laughingstock. Putting on a suit, making oneself presentable, and having a clear and factually accurate message to deliver will get people to stand up and take notice. Incorporate yourself into the system. Learn its jargon, its mannerisms, what it holds sacred (I’m pretty sure it’s not $2 PBR’s and vintage t-shirts). Success will bring a reputation, and a reputation will bring influence.