Though I probably have obtained a PhD in Drinkonomics after my undergrad career at a state college (it was my major after all!) I figured I would maintain some vestige of humility and classify this as only an intermediate drinking guide.  Mastering the subtleties of booze is a life-long calling after all; it would smack of arrogance to hold myself forth as a master at so tender an age.  That said, I recently re-read my old drinking guide and cringed at some of my former beliefs and advice.  I aim to set right what once went wrong, and as always, hope the next post will be the post back home.

I figure a good issue to address would be, seeing as I just moved into a new apartment, assembling the essentials of a properly stocked home bar.  My aim with this isn’t GET HAMMERED ON $1 A DAY (though there is certainly nothing wrong with that and I believe I have addressed the issue at great length in Old Crow v. My Liver) but to instead assemble a basic combo of drinks that anybody can enjoy, whether with guests or by themselves.  I’m not going to lie, you may have to fork out close to $200 to do this right, but that relatively paltry amount should keep you and your guests drinking in style for months to come.  I mean, what else are you going to spend it on?  Food?  HAH.  Trust me, you will be glad you spent the extra $3-$5 a bottle for top shelf liquor when company comes over.  We’re not throwing keggers with giant buckets of grain alcohol and Hawaiian Punch lining the wall anymore, Sparky (or maybe we are depending on who’s reading this).  I’ve sampled probably well into the hundreds of different types of liquor/beer/wine, but for my purposes here I’m going to stick with what’s readily available and what’s well-known.  It is unlikely many visitors to your home will share your lust for Belgian Trappist Ales or tequila infused with chipotles.

The first order of business is finding your friendly neighborhood liquor store.  I recommend the bigger the better.  Large, chain liquor stores will tend to have a much greater selection and much cheaper prices.  The Mom & Pop’s are great for finding some obscure bit of alcohol arcana but for now we’re just going to stick to well-known brands.  To me, you should really have fifths of the Big Five (see how that works out?) at a bare minimum, those being vodka, rum, gin, tequila, and whiskey.

Vodka:  Vodka is going to take a pounding since it’s the most widely mixed liquor and almost every woman on the face of the planet loves her precious vodka cranberry or Cosmo, so you might want to think about picking up a handle as opposed to a fifth.  I hereby renounce my former Grey Goose endorsement (though I do not hate it with the same frothing-at-the-mouth vehemence of many others; I find it a respectable vodka) because it’s simply too expensive for what it is.  Ketel One is both cheaper and superior in taste to my palate; I also find basic Stoli entirely acceptable.  If you can find it there is a very inexpensive vodka called Sobieski that is probably the best bargain in vodka today, possessing a bottom shelf price tag with a top shelf taste.

Rum:  Bacardi is the workhorse of the rum world and probably the cheapest and least offensive to the most people, but as I prefer spiced or dark rums I almost never stock it.  I recommend a very affordable brand called Kilo Kai which to this date is the best spiced rum I’ve ever tasted.  Do not hesitate to pick up a bottle if you see it on the shelf.  In Kilo Kai’s absence you can’t go wrong with Sailor Jerry (though people tend to bitch about the 90+ proof so be aware of that) or Captain Morgan Private Stock.  The Private Stock is worlds away from the regular Cap; there is absolutely no reason not to spend the extra $3-$5 to upgrade.

Gin:  In the original incarnation of this I still loathed gin.  Though I’d be lying if I said my fondness for it approached anywhere near my love for rum and whiskey, it has definitely grown on me.  Oddly enough, despite a drinking life thus far composed of swilling mainly bottom shelf brands and beers that come packaged in cube form, I absolutely cannot deal with bottom shelf gin, due to perhaps a lingering bit of European genetic snobbery.  At a minimum, go for Bombay Sapphire (it’s not THAT expensive).  That and Tanqueray Rangpur Lime are the only two gins I regularly drink (though I did enjoy a bottle of Plymouth I acquired on sale several years ago).  Many gin purists hate the Rangpur so I try to keep a bottle of Sapphire on hand, but the Rangpur definitely has its place, particularly for people who don’t like gin.  Placed in lemon lime soda it’s nearly undetectable and it makes the most refreshing gin and tonic I’ve ever had.

Tequila:  Hands down, almost the only tequila I buy anymore is Sauza Hornitos Blanco.  It’s 100% agave (no mixto bullshit here) and essentially a Patron taste without the Patron price tag.  Patron is a great tequila, haterz be damned, but for like $40 a bottle?  C’mon guys, lol.  If Hornitos is on sale (which it is frequently) it’s only a few dollars more than the ubiquitous Cuervo and simply blows it away.  Cabo Wabo is fantastic as well but tends to be a bit pricier unless you get lucky with a sale.

Whiskey:  For an all-around people pleaser I don’t think standard Crown Royal can be beaten.  Goes down smooth as a shot, absolutely amazing in a Crown & Coke, and people tend to be impressed by the little purple bag it comes in.  Factor in the fact the stuff goes on sale nearly every single week and can be had for around $20 a fifth and it’s a no-brainer.  Lots of people tend to bitch about Irish whiskey like Jameson (“It tastes weird in Coke!”) and your hands will probably start shaking with murderous rage when someone tells you your bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label “tastes like smoke” and wastes half a glass so I’d steer away from the scotch and not-bourbon-y sweet variants of whiskey for now.  You can lay into creating your private stock later.

Beer:  I once hated the Unholy Trinity of Bud/Miller/Coors but have since come to realize they have their place.  There is nothing quite like a frosty American macrobrew on a hot summer Friday to start the weekend.  Additionally, nearly every single person in the world likes these and will drink them.  If I’m classing up my beer selection I don’t go too far beyond Blue Moon or people begin to freak out.  Speaking for myself I will never buy below Bud/Miller/Coors again unless it’s explicitly for beer pong.  I will repeat my original assertion that those fruity malt beverage things still taste pretty good, but come on, you really should learn to appreciate other alcohol by this point and I’m sure you’re tired of the endless mockery.  You can hide a sixer in the vegetable crisper under the lettuce if you absolutely must have it, it will be our little secret.

Wine:  There are people who have many different bottles of wine available at all times but I am not one of them; I only buy wine when I explicitly intend to pair it with what I’m eating.  I will say once again that the right bottle of wine can enhance a meal to an orgasmic experience and I can’t imagine just drinking it all by its lonesome.  Wine is the cute, eager-to-please, mousy librarian of the alcohol world; please take her out to dinner instead of just awkwardly inviting her over for a sub-par hookup.  Basically, I’d buy a bunch of different shit and see which ones you like, and don’t be intimidated by the middle aged guys in turtleneck sweaters talking about tannins and “ghostly notes of figs.”

Liqueurs & Mixers:  This is probably the category that people skimp on the most and it’s the worst one to do it on; your choice of triple sec or other mixing alcohol will make or break classic cocktails like the margarita or the martini.  Which, incidentally, is the major benefit to assembling the foregoing list of items; you now have everything necessary to make tried-and-true classics like the Cuba Libre, martini, margarita, Cosmo (begrudgingly), Tequila Sunrise, gin and tonic, gimlets…really, the list goes on and on.  You just need to top it off with the non-alcoholic mixers (Soda, OJ, tonic, cranberry juice, etc.) and a few more things:

Triple Sec:  For the love of God, please get a decent Triple Sec.  It may seem ridiculous to pay $30-$40 a bottle for Cointreau or Grand Marnier but realize that bottle is going to last you for eternity unless you are running some sort of Margarita Shack out of your apartment since you use very little per cocktail.  I promise, you will taste the difference in your drinks immediately.  I picked up some of the Patron triple sec recently and it’s quite good.

Bitters:  I go for Angostura.  You use literally a few drops on the rare occasions you use them at all.  I think I bought my current bottle back in 2009 and it’s still half full.

Vermouth:  Required for martinis.  In my opinion the French do Dry the best and the Italians do Sweet the best.  Bottles of either will last you for half of eternity.

Chambord:  By no means a staple, but opens up a ton of mixing possibilities as well as being absolutely awesome in Blue Moon.  And honestly, you’ve spent a ton of money already getting here, what’s another $20-$30?

Drinking Equipment:  Obviously martini glasses and margarita glasses are required.  Pint glasses won’t hurt either.  All of these are available very inexpensively at thrift stores or Big Box stores.  I would also recommend a cocktail shaker, a bar spoon for stirring (they cost like $2 and are way easier to work with in highball glasses than your typical kitchen spoon), and some sort of jigger or measuring shot glass until you get the hang of eyeballing things.  A fruit juicer is required as well.  You will be fucking astounded at the difference fresh squeezed lime and lemon juice makes in your drinks.  I’m serious, this is not some sort of snobby bullshit that nobody could possibly detect; it really makes a world of difference.

Hangovers:  I got this right the first time; drink enough water to drown a buffalo before you go to sleep.  Ignore this at your peril.

And there you have it, the essential ingredients for a very respectable watering hole of your very own.  Trust me, if you’re adapting to civilian life after waging a merciless, grueling war against your body and bank account going to bars nearly constantly like I was this arrangement will pay for itself in a few weeks.

Of course, all this said, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

And they’re always glad you came.