The recent media frenzy surrounding Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman has brought to the forefront the state of discourse in this nation.  Though political correctness has always been present as long as I’ve been alive, I feel it has reached a new level of intensity and fervor.  New academic developments like “privilege” and increasing paranoia about the omnipresence of discrimination have created an environment of chilled speech and fear.  If one is accused of being a racist or a sexist, one’s life can literally be destroyed.  Careers can be ended, friendships lost, and finances destroyed by these accusations.  “Racist” is to America in the 1990′s and 2000′s what “communist” was in the 1950′s and 1960′s. Read more

Counterculture is almost entirely counterproductive. There are few things more aggravating to the average college student than seeing some dreadlock-clad white guy, reeking of pot and wearing a CBGB shirt, approaching you. Brace yourself, you’re about to embark on a fantastic voyage to a magical world in the Fagatron solar system where all of society ills are caused by corporations, free weed will revitalize Africa’s economy, and you’re part of the machine maaaan! Read more

Permanent Vacation is the name of an unintentionally hilarious hipster movie I got in my Netflix in a fit of boredom once. If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend it; you get to see a scrawny, effeminate hipster go on a spasmodic “Bee-Bop” spree about 5 minutes in. He says he wants to “live fast and die young, like Charlie Parker,” slurred out in a manner that is begging for a beating.

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Every person who has ever been in desperate enough financial straits to wonder what they’re going to eat that day is undoubtedly familiar with Ramen instant noodles. It’s a good system; it’s like 50 cents for a cup, you throw in some hot water, and you’ve got a tasty meal to sustain you for another day of dealing with idiots and doing pointless work. I am here to tell you that Ramen is fool’s gold. The ultimate instant noodle is known as Nong Shim, and it is like eating pure joy.

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Like it or not, there some things that you will just never be able to learn how to do. If you are 150 pounds and 5’5 you’re not ever going to play in the NBA, and if you’re functionally retarded you’re never going to become a physicist. Sorry, but them’s the breaks. There is no better example of this to me than writing, and the horrid farce of education that english departments in universities across the nation have become.

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“You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile.”

Taken from Chuck Palahniuk’s “Fight Club” these are probably among the truest words ever written. Every day, thousands of school-children across the globe are fed the same tired line of bullshit. They’re given unrealistic expectations for life and then beaten into line as to how they are supposed to accomplish it. You are special. You can do anything you can imagine. Reach for the stars. Believe in yourself, and you can accomplish anything! What a load.

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Cliques are the height of lameness and idiocy in any school across the nation. They infest schools like an outbreak of leprosy, and anyone who contracts the clique disease dies a mind-death and “falls off” the same plane of intelligence as their peers. The people who subscribe to notions of cliquedom are so utterly bereft of anything approaching human thought that they might as well be ruled clinically dead. They are, in essence, walking, talking Terri Schiavos. Was that joke in bad taste? I don’t think she really cares; she’s dead for real now. These people are the Clique Bitches, and they are your friends, your neighbors, and your children.

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Yes, you read that correctly, punks suck horribly. They smell bad, their music is terrible, and most are borderline retarded. You could count the number of good punk albums on one hand, assuming of course that hand had been blown off and only a stump remained. Fortunately, no true punk would give a shit what some idiot on the internet wrote about him, which brings me to the meat of my article.

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I hate forums. God damn do I ever hate forums. There are few things in this world that I consider to be a bigger waste of time and haven of circle-jerking, false bravado, and lifeless dweebs than internet forums. Among them are Nazi rallies, student government associations, and frats and sororities. Everytime I try to join a forum or talk to people in one it results in disaster. Read more

I’m getting it out right now, I hate parties. HATE them. I would rather sit at home in my underwear jacking off to aerobics infomercials at 4 AM than go to another boring, worthless, clusterfuck of a party. There is nothing I hate more than being forced to socialize with assholes I don’t know, eat shitty food and drink shitty drinks, and generally have to battle constantly against the urge to explode and kill everyone in the room. There are many divisions of parties, and they all suck equally. The phrase, “a fun party” is an oxymoron. Parties fucking suck, and anyone who likes them is probably a communist and a pedophile.

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Fat people suck. I hate them almost as much as I hate dancing and parties. They are literally a drain on society. They increase wear and tear on our roads, walkways, public transportation, and food industry by virtue of their fatness. Did you ever wonder why restaurants don’t offer Small, Medium, and Large anymore? It’s because the fatties decided that Large wasn’t big enough. Normal people have to order the Large now; the fatties need to choose between, “Extra Large” and, “Gargantuan” portions to satisfy the bottomless abyss that is their stomachs. I have nothing against fat people who don’t care they’re fat. Hey, if you’re fine weighing 500 pounds and having to pay blind and deaf prostitutes to get sex, more power to you. My ire is deserved for the Self-Entitled Fatty, who shall hereafter be referred to as SEF.

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I reiterate: DEATH TO PROM. As I sit here, poised upon the very precipice of my future, I had a revelation. That revelation was that the final days of my high school career could either be spent in a delirious haze on some stretch of Florida’s coastline or they could be spent standing by the snack-bar of some pretentious dance hall, my will to live slowly ebbing away under the onslaught of a techno remix of a rap song. Read more

Cavemen unquestionably had things made. Imagine how much life would rule if we were all still cavemen. We wouldn’t have to get up to go to school or to jobs we hate; instead, we would just sleep as late as we wanted. We wouldn’t have to worry about stupid fashion or appearances or any of that shit. We would all wear the same tattered animal skin that we did the day before, we would never bathe, our hair would be in matted dreadlocks down to our knees, and our beards would be to our chests. Everyone would smell terrible and no one would give a shit. Our only concerns that day would be finding something, killing it, and then eating it. There would be no elaborate mind games or other stupid shit involved in getting laid; we would all just bang each other naturally based on instinct. Any disputes would be settled by beating the shit out of each other. Awesome.

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In the air there’s a feeling of Christmas.

At least, that’s what Wal-Mart, K-Mart, and every other variation of Mart would have me believe by shoveling Christmas shit down my throat with the grace of a narcoleptic figure skater the second I walk into the store.

This past weekend while I was at Wal-Mart my mind almost imploded when my eyes were raped by the sheer quanitity of Christmas merchandise. What the hell? It’s not even Halloween yet, and they’re already busting out the gyrating Santa Clause? There’s a strict rule about dancing Santa’s, and it pretty much states that I don’t have to deal with them between the months of January and November. Ever since I finally figured out he wasn’t real, I’ve been real down on Santa.

Speaking of dancing santa…think about that for a moment. Think of all the thousands of man-hours put into that. The craftsmen required to build the plastic casing, the materials that went into manufacturing it, and the tiny motors that drive the gyration and gears that move the jaw. Then there’s power sources and the chemical composition of the whole thing to think of. Thousands of these dancing santas are manufactured and shipped all around the United States every year. Think of all the money spent on the promotion and advertisement of these dancing santas. The boxes they are shipped in even. Think how much money that is. You could feed an impoverished nation with that money. I hope your dancing Santas were worth the price of an African nation’s youth, you demonic corporate bastards.

Think how mind-bogglingly complicated that dancing santa is. If you gave me the schematics and all the parts, I can guarantee you I would never be able to build it. Not in a million years. The highest levels of human intellectual ability are being turned to making dancing santas. DANCING FUCKING SANTAS. Does anyone else see how absurd this is? THIS KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

Alright, what the hell am I doing. I should be doing my Calculus and Physics homework so I don’t flunk my senior year and manage to destroy the past decade of (sort of) hard work.

I may have only spent a little over a year and a half at colleges, but man, there is absolutely no denying that 99.9% of college students are total retards. It used to be that college was a place of higher learning that only the elite could hope to attend. Getting accepted into college meant something, and if you were in college, you were definitely there to study your ass off until you could claim a degree, a magical piece of paper able to transport you to an equally menial but much higher paying job. Everything sucked, and everyone was bitchy and surly to each other. Truly a paradise on earth.

However, with increased standards of living and levels of skill required in well-paying labor, the proletariat dogs have begun their slow and steady infestation of the college system, much like rats infesting a rotting carcass. College is no longer something unique; it is something expected. Unless you grew up in a ghetto, you are pretty much considered a total and abject failure by the bulk of society if you do not attend college, and are doomed to a life of clerking or manual labor without that Bachelor’s in Bullfuckery. However, that is straying from my intended topic, which is to categorize the various types of college lame-asses who are actively lowering the collective intelligence of the North American continent. I was tempted to incorporate pictures, but christ, that’s a lot of work. So, without further ado:

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